Love science

I love science. My idol is Albert Einstein. My aim is becoming a great scientist doctor...I'm trying to understand this world. I wonder about everything and I'm amazed about everything. I've just read a book about relativity and I've studied Lorentz's transformations. I want to understand... and it seems so hard. I want to discover a part of this Universe. Can I do that? I just know I have to study because that is keeping me alive. If I don't study I fall in depression because that questions without answer come again to my mind... I like them and I hate them. Those existential questions which have been hunting me since I was 12 years old. They're killing me and they're keeping me alive. It's strange. My consciousness of studying is living in my body and it's hurting me second after second... I feel like living with my eyes wide closed. I just see books, nothing more. I can't see or hear people... I can't feel and touch things... I just see the words on the page and keep the ideas in my brain. I have that strange feeling of non reality again. I just want to understand the world. That's all...