marți, 12 august 2008

Myself, the Nothing

Last night I had insomnia again. And , like I always do in the nights when I have insomnias, I'd lain myself on the floor and I started to imagine myself from the outside. I imagined myself laying in this room, laying in this flat, this flat which is on the boulevard, which is in the city, which is in the country, which is in Europe, which is on Earth, which is in the Solar System, which is in the Orion side of the Milky Way, which is in the Local Group of Galaxies, which are in the Universe known by us, which is into the Universe which we don't know, which is in... in the infinite Universe...

That makes me feel O.K. somehow because I can see how small am I, how small are we all the people, how small is the Universe which we can see by telescope and which seems to be so huge.. That shows me that we are persons without importance and we are just like all other species on the planet. We think about the animals that they are inferior but what about us compared whith the Universe? We are so inferior...

This thing is in my mind all the time and when somebody makes me feel angry , when they are trying to hurt me with their mockings I can pass over them so easy.. because it has no sense to be angry and say ugly words to them or worse, to revenge. We are too small and all these fightings one another to make ourselves feel bad are just stupid things. I can pass over them , I just don't care about the bad things that come from the outside and from the other people.

All that really hurts me comes from the inside. I try and try to escape of mediocrity and to answer all these questions which are scratching my head... I have to get out of this world and push myself beyond my mediocre limits... Because I just want to understand more, I just want to find out more. I know I'm a nothing but I want to find out why am I a nothing.. I want to discover a small part of this Universe which is overwhelming me all the time...

At 3 o' clock a.m. , after my meditation lying on the floor I started gazing the empty street. How beautiful is the city in the night with empty streets and all the lights on... the streets are so nice without those people who are scarring me...without all those people whom I don't care and who don't care about the world.

I like the night very much, because all is so empty and it's so much silence that I can think about my nothingness without being disturbed by angry voices and critcs.

So, I can't stop gazing the lights burning in the city of dust, pain and fear..

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