marți, 12 august 2008

Insomnia


Now I'm laying on the floor of my room and I look at the white ceiling. It will be another night of insomnia and overwhelming pain. When I have insomnia I feel somehow out of the world and I see all the things very strange. My computer looks like a spider, my lamp looks like an octopus, the mouse looks like a bacteria, the window looks like a ghost, my chair looks like a bug, my school bag looks like a dog, the wardrobe looks like a monster , the telephone looks like a racoon, the pencilbox looks like a cat and my brain looks like a black hole! And of course my body has to look like something. I have fever again, I 'm sick and I'm too dizzy to think how do I look like. Maybe I look like a huge bug like Kafka wrote in his story "the metamorphosis" or like K' tee said...This planet is spinning around with about 1,600 kms per hour and we all are spinning with it. That's strange. I would really like to fall down in the space. I would like just to fall down from this planet, to defeat the gravity and all the things which make you die in space and just fall. Fall and never stop. Fall until I'll die. If I were on a spaceship now I could make myself fall in space. Just to feel how is it...Hey look, now I can see the books on my table. It's full of books .No they are not books, they are some huge worms.I have to stop again that feeling of non- reality because I don't want to cut myself again like I said before. I feel now that I 'm broken out of existance and it's a great feeling. It's so silence. I wish I were outside now in the empty town without any people and with all the lights on. That's my favourite kind of town. An empty one. Other nights I just gaze on the window at the empty street, I just see the empty street and sometimes I watch it for 5-6 hours while all the thoughts are overwhelming me. It's a world which I can't define. I'm just a part of a species , of the human species like an ant is a part of the ant species. I'm asking: how do the ants see the world, or how do the cats see the world, that's a stupid question because this things have been studied but also a superior species is maybe wondering now"how do that small homo sapiens see the world?"Hmm, I can't stop my thoughts flow in my head. My brain is a black hole.. well a black hole is something while my brain is nothing. The comparation is not good. My brain may be rather a... mass of gelatine able to think elementary things? Maybe.Eh... I 'll start gazing the empty street, maybe I'll be able to think more intelligent because none of my thoughts have been intelligent since I was born by this moment. The most intelligent thing which I could have made was not to be born like Cioran said "L'inconvenient d'etre ne"... but causality made my fool entity to be born on this planet. Again Cioran said: "The fact that I exist prooves that the world doesn't have any sense". Is he right or not? I wish I knew... maybe someone of you can tell me...

2 comentarii:

cevacenue spunea...

Adica Cioran era un non-sens:|?cateodata am impresia ca lustra din camera mea seamana cu Satana

alexandra dolfi spunea...

Nu, cioran zicea ca daca el exista pe lumea asta inseamna ca lumea n-are nici un sens.
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