marți, 12 august 2008

The last day of my summer holiday

I'm standing alone in a desolate place, near a huge, abandoned and damaged building.I'm just a kid, an abandoned, damaged and lost kid. I'm holding my small teddy bear in my arms and gazing around me. Nobody. Nothing. No voice. It's getting dark and cold. But I don't care. I'm looking in my teddy bear's lifeless eyes. It's name is Frederic. I feel sick, alone and lifeless.What is life, Frederic? Don't you know? Who can tell me? Who can answer me to that question? Somebody said once upon a time that life is happiness and joy. Happiness and joy? I can't believe my ears. No... it's not happiness and joy i'm sure. It's just pain maybe. Huge pain and fear,nothingness like I feel...Do you understand Frederic? What do I live for? What the hell do these people live for? We're all here fighting one another, seeking our dreams, looking for salvation that never comes. For what? We are self distructing ourselves, living without a reason. We'll destroy the planet one day, I'm almost sure. But until then we'll continue to live and fight on the way to death. For what? After a hundred years nobody knows the place... and the names... Everything that we are will be forgotten and they all will live like we wouldn't have existed before. I'm walking around the corner trying to find what on earth am I or who on earth am I. No answer of course. I don't have the slightest idea. I just have to live in this conditions no matter how. I'm reading lots of books, philosophy, solving maths problems, physics and chemistry. Is it worth? I'm doing that trying to find out who am I because philosopher Socrates said long ago that we have to discover ourselves. But I can't. The only thing I know is that I'm mediocre. Very mediocre even if I don't look like. But I'm trying hard to escape of this stupidity... I have Nietzche's book in my backpack but I'm afraid to open it. I'm afraid of something I don't know. It's a huge fear of nothing. I'll enter in that damaged building even if it's dark.It's dead like my memory so I'm not afraid to enter anymore. This town is lost like I am. This town will rise like I'll maybe never rise. I say "maybe". I don't want to dream in vain because I'll get more depressed and I can't cope with more depression. I feel like exploding. I feel also that something is burning inside me. I have to discover something because I exist. I exist so I have to do something. It isn't worth wasting time. Well, I'm a person full of contradictions. If you think you know me, in fact you don't know me because I don't know myself. I'm living on this planet like other 6,000,000,000 people. On this planet which is spinning around the Sun with about 1,600 kms per hour...The Sun is spinning around the centre of the Galaxy which is spinning around other galaxies which are spinning around... I've got dizzy, sorry. I'm really nobody. A nobody full of nothingness. That's me. It is your problem whether you accept me or not. If I won't become a great scientist I don't know what will happen... I can't imagine. I have to discover something if I live anyway. Sometimes I don't care about me but I have to care if I want to become somebody...Come on Frederic, we have to go. The people on the streets have gone away because it's dark. So now I can go home when the town is all empty. It's enough place for my soul now...If the "soul " exist of course.

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