vineri, 2 septembrie 2011

Mosquitos above one's head

Confined sun, Constanța 2011
I was standing in the back of a mosquito net and thinking. Or well, pretending that. I could feel my brain like a creamy gelatinous filling of my cranial cavity. Writing is not easy sometimes. You need to grip ideas and arrange them in an order that sounds coherent to your head, search for unusual stuff to write about around the city area, climb on the left side on your imagination and so on. And time is required for all these. I was trying to find an explanation for my lack of inspiration and talent in the last few months but I couldn't find one to sound logical. I've been more dedicated to medicine this year then I ever was in the first 2 years of med school. Something about my perception of the outside world changed. I feel like there's too little time left. For what? I don't know yet. I just know that I have to do my best in everything. Now I'm investing lots of time in building personal and professional relationships, talking to people, analyzing ideas and situations and less and less time talking to my inner inked self and writing. And sometimes it's crazy. More medicine, less me? I was talking to someone some time ago and I told him that I can write only when I'm depressed or low. And there were times lately when I've been like that. But something changed because these states of being aren't as deep as they were before and I can get out of them easily. No need to write a hundred pages. Logical analysis of your own state of mind and some psychological tricks work faster.
But all about this. Why am I writing in English? I don't know either. Maybe this is the way the words can arrive faster on the screen. You know what's making me crazy now? I think a week ago I wanted to see how is if I go back online just for fun and socializing. Throughout this year I went online just for science, music and e-mail because I've been too busy with school and personal live life. So now I spent some time chatting to people, surfing on many blogs, analyzing peoples profile on socializing sites and commenting different stuff they were writing. I was commenting in different manners,sometimes smart with arguments, sometimes silly, sometimes funny but never rude or sarcastic. And I sadly found out that almost everyone wants to prove their superiority among others, giving advice, giving themselves as an example, talking about how big they are and how big things they're doing or they did. They showed me how smart, funny and wise they are. I knew... I knew that everyone of us is the center of his/her own universe, that of course, many of us have a good opinion about themselves but... some replies were really rude like "heey you really don't know what you're talking about, my blog post was very okay with that. You should learn/do/think blabla".I can make the difference between a well intentioned advice and an advice that one gives to you in order to prove his/her superiority. That was just a silly experiment. I can't give names or links because probably all the smart people will say that this is a rude thing. And they will be right because this is a rude thing certainly. Many told me stuff about the utility of the online communities and socializing sites. They can make you feel better they said. Yes, support groups maybe can make you feel better and also chatting to somebody you haven't seen for years but... the online world is never better than the real. Online you do everything without effort, without trying to guess someone else's reactions, without using reverse psychology and without living. My little experiment about online socializing was finished because I just got sleepy before popping out a statistic. Online socializing is boring to me. Maybe you think I'm crazy, then I'll tell Bukowski to tell you that you're crazy too.
And I've written too much anyways. Too much for a blog that's already into dust. And mosquitos are flying above my head. And my feet don't always touch the ground.

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