Mosquitos above one's head

Confined sun, Constanța 2011

I was standing in the back of a mosquito net and thinking. Or well, pretending that. I could feel my brain like a creamy gelatinous filling of my cranial cavity. Writing is not easy sometimes. You need to grip ideas and arrange them in an order that sounds coherent to your head, search for unusual stuff to write about around the city area, climb on the left side on your imagination and so on. And time is required for all these. I was trying to find an explanation for my lack of inspiration and talent in the last few months but I couldn't find one to sound logical. I've been more dedicated to medicine this year then I ever was in the first 2 years of med school. Something about my perception of the outside world changed. I feel like there's too little time left. For what? I don't know yet. I just know that I have to do my best in everything. Now I'm investing lots of time in building personal and professional relationships, talking to people, analyzing ideas and situations and less and less time talking to my inner inked self and writing. And sometimes it's crazy. More medicine, less me? I was talking to someone some time ago and I told him that I can write only when I'm depressed or low. And there were times lately when I've been like that. But something changed because these states of being aren't as deep as they were before and I can get out of them easily. No need to write a hundred pages. Logical analysis of your own state of mind and some psychological tricks work faster.
But all about this. Why am I writing in English? I don't know either. Maybe this is the way the words can arrive faster on the screen. You know what's making me crazy now? I think a week ago I wanted to see how is if I go back online just for fun and socializing. Throughout this year I went online just for science, music and e-mail because I've been too busy with school and personal live life. So now I spent some time chatting to people, surfing on many blogs, analyzing peoples profile on socializing sites and commenting different stuff they were writing. I was commenting in different manners,sometimes smart with arguments, sometimes silly, sometimes funny but never rude or sarcastic. And I sadly found out that almost everyone wants to prove their superiority among others, giving advice, giving themselves as an example, talking about how big they are and how big things they're doing or they did. They showed me how smart, funny and wise they are. I knew... I knew that everyone of us is the center of his/her own universe, that of course, many of us have a good opinion about themselves but... some replies were really rude like "heey you really don't know what you're talking about, my blog post was very okay with that. You should learn/do/think blabla".I can make the difference between a well intentioned advice and an advice that one gives to you in order to prove his/her superiority. That was just a silly experiment. I can't give names or links because probably all the smart people will say that this is a rude thing. And they will be right because this is a rude thing certainly. Many told me stuff about the utility of the online communities and socializing sites. They can make you feel better they said. Yes, support groups maybe can make you feel better and also chatting to somebody you haven't seen for years but... the online world is never better than the real. Online you do everything without effort, without trying to guess someone else's reactions, without using reverse psychology and without living. My little experiment about online socializing was finished because I just got sleepy before popping out a statistic. Online socializing is boring to me. Maybe you think I'm crazy, then I'll tell Bukowski to tell you that you're crazy too.
And I've written too much anyways. Too much for a blog that's already into dust. And mosquitos are flying above my head. And my feet don't always touch the ground.

The revolution is over. Waiting for the end while burning in the fire of a thousand suns.(review for album A Thousand Suns by Linkin Park)

“By now, you've probably listened to Linkin Park's A Thousand Suns somewhere between 20 and 50 times (just like Mike Shinoda told you to!), and you've probably formed a pretty solid opinion on the album. Either you think it's a brave, ballsy reinvention of the band's sound, or you hate it because, dude, where are the guitars?!?”

I first listened to this album the day it was released: September 14^th and while the songs were playing I was invaded by a terrible feeling of disappointment. Most of you may say, “of course you were disappointed, you expected that Linkin Park would launch the same mix of hip-hop/metal you were used to”. The answer is no. Since the hybrid MTM was launched, I knew they will get another turn. I knew they have changed a lot and they want to do something else. But every old Linkin Park fan, including myself expected to something else new but good. And special, and different. ATS is not good. Neither different or special. ATS is one of the worst albums I’ve listened in the last years. ATS is commercial.

Linkin Park marked my whole existence as a teenager. I started listening to them when I was 13.  Of course that since then, my taste in music has changed a lot and now I’ve got many other rock-metal bands to listen but Linkin Park converted me to this genre of music. They were my favorite band for such a long time and even now they have a special drawer in my soul.Those guys really did something original, they were a hybrid of rap/rock/nu-metal which went great and could give you an amazing feeling every time you were listening to their albums. They had an identity in the music culture, they had a personality. You could say “yes, this is Linkin Park, this is their style, sound, imprint”. Everything became confusing since MTM came out. MTM is a divided album as I written in it’s review. It’s a hybrid in the real sense of the word. It isn’t unitary and while listening to it, you realize that Linkin Park are in a personality crisis and have divided thoughts and feelings. It sounds like they don’t know where to head at. Since then,  I’ve been waiting for the new album because I guessed that this album will show the way they’ve changed and their new direction.  Everything got clear after ATS was released. These guys have radically changed. Now, I can’t say LInkin Park as a band has a style or personality anymore. Now Linkin Park is a total mess. In their live shows, they play a mix of old and new songs and this thing makes you wonder “where is Linkin Park? Which is their REAL style? Who are them in fact?”. What is clear is that they’ve got a new direction and entered in a new era of making their music. They adopted this pop-electronic-rap genre which is a mix of sounds that doesn’t tell too much. They really are a hybrid. No imprint left. I pointed this out because all the bands who remained known as great bands in the music history have their own personality, style and signature in music. If they changed, they didn’t change radically, they improved their style (see: Iron Maiden, Led Zeppelin, Nirvana, Rolling Stones). Linkin Park is continuously changing. By changing all the time, a band cannot put an imprint on the music history and remain written there. By changing all the time a band can end up in confusion and also confuse it’s fans.

I didn’t listen ATS “between 20 and 50 times”, but I listened to it a lot. With/without headphones, paying attention to the lyrics, sound, message. Unfortunately, that was a waste of time because my opinion remained just like the first. I wrote this review long time after the album came out because I wanted to let the feelings dissolve and combine and I tried to understand the album but it seems there’s not much to understand.

Compared to MTM, ATS is unitary and homogenous. But the fact it has 15 songs outsmarted many people as 5 of them are just so called “interludes” (The Requiem, The Radiance, Empty Spaces, Jornada del Muerto, Fallout) and one of them is a speech of Martin Luther King (Wisdom, Justice and Love). So there are only 9 full songs that remain. I didn’t fully understood the role of these interludes, I guess they wanted to create some bridges and links between the songs or point some feelings out but I’m still not sure what’s their real meaning.

The third track- Burning in the skies is a slow song with very short guitar riff at the end.  It sounds like the demo of the song New divide with Chester singing “ I’m losing what I don’t deserve” while in New Divide he was saying “I get what I deserve”. It has nothing special, maybe just some metaphoric words like “ In the end we were made to be apart/Like separate chambers of the human heart” and “swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned”. The sound is commercial, good to be played on the radio.

When they come for me- a protest of Mike Shinoda against all the critics, reviewers and disappointed fans. It’s hip hop, electronic with random drums. The attitude is good, it’s a way of saying that they really don’t care what fans, reviewers and other people think, they’re on their own and they want to make their own music as they like without caring about critics. In the music history, there are very few bands which followed only their own vision without being influenced by mainstream. Amazing way of thinking but very bad way of expression. This song has nothing more than a crazy sound with that “shut up motherfucker” inserted in the worst way. It’s incredible the way these guys could express their revolution and hard feelings in their past albums without having that “parental advisory, explicit content” sticker on the CD cover. Now they got it and they got it bad because they really don’t know how and where to swear. They aren’t  convincing anymore.  And the verse “ I’m not a robot/ I’m not a monkey/  I won’t dance even the beat is funky” is really silly. Uninspired.

Robot boy- slow song with very good piano intro.  And nothing else. The title reminds me of Tim Burton’s character,  and the lyrics seem to be a protest against the violence in the world and against the lack of love and affection that we all suffer from. The idea is good and I think this song could become much better if they worked more on it. I think I can call it “good”.

Waiting for the end- very good hip hop part at the beginning, even the lyrics tend to be better but the slow solo part of Chester that comes after is so slow and boring that can be a very good cure for insomniacs. The end is somewhat faster and interesting but…no guitars again.

Blackout-  some guitars and tendency to a harsh metal sound. The lyrics don’t express much but we can hear Chester shouting somehow. It sounds like a demo with raw and distorted sounds. But the final feeling resulted is rather frustration than revolution. One of the “good” songs on this album.

Wretches and kings-  maybe “the best” song on the album, but also sounding like a demo. We can get some revolution and so called “life” listening to it.

Iridescent- slow, very slow and very… emo. “ Do you feel cold and lost in desperation” what’s that? Of course it becomes pretty optimistic telling you to “remember all the sadness and frustration and oh let it go” and a small guitar riff comes as a bonus at the end but… this song is one of the most commercial songs I’ve ever heard. And every time Chester sings “remember all” with a harsh vocal I burst into laughing. It really doesn’t work in such a slow song. It worked before… in nu metal. It worked damn great.

The catalyst- the first single that came out, the first thing we all heard, the first thing that disappointed. A protest against war with religious background “God save us everyone”. It sounded to me ike a following of “Hands held high” which had that “amen amen”. The catalyst has “God save us” so now we see that these guys have become more than afflicted by the wars and disasters in the world. They have become religious even in music. That’s not bad but the repetition of God save us and “we’re a broken people living under loaded gun” becomes boring throughout the whole length of the song. Most people rated “the catalyst” as the best song on the album. I can’t say that. I just can say that it sounds more vivid than many others on ATS. And of course, it’s good for the morning radio.

The messenger- a song I simply can’t listen to. It’s like a following of the make love not war flower power motto. It’s disappointing. Chester singing alone with a slight keyboards background reminds me of a pop-star girlie singing a song about love and kindness on MTV. It’s like a kick  between the eyes. It hurts.

What I can say in conclusion is that those guys created an album which seems to be a protest against world’s violence and lack of empathy. It seems that they were very marked by the disasters that struck America  in the past years and now they’re singing for peace. This thing is obviously shown by the songs The catalyst, Robot boy, Iridescent and the speech of Martin Luther King inserted in the album. Nothing bad in this decision but It would have been damn good if they’d choose a more non-commercial way to express this. When they came out and in the first years of their evolution as a band, Linkin Park’s music could be listened only to the rock and metal radio. I was a little bit shocked when I first heard them on the morning radio with “shadow of the day” some time ago…now all the songs on ATS can be  played on the radio. The only thing I can get from this is that Linkin Park has become a commercial band and now they’re in the pop music mainstream. I’m sure they wanted to do something great and outstanding but all they could do is to release another bunch of pop-electronic songs which will easily loose in the huge pile of easy songs.That’s disappointing and sad. They lost most of their old fans and gained some brand new listeners, who never heard or never liked their first albums. Even one of my friends, keen on pop and electronic music who never liked Linkin Park before said “these guys sound pretty good” after listening to ATS. Linkin Park new era of slow soft music begun. What will they create next? A symphony? Nevermind. The revolution is over and here ends the evolution of a very promising band. Burning in the fire of a thousand suns, as the guys themselves declare.

From Bucharest to Amsterdam and back

And now, where? (Photo by me)

In the world I come from, I use to roll over the streets and think like the taxi driver in Scorsese's movie.I think that somebody  has to clean the scum off these streets. They look like coming from a horrid picture of  a nowhere but home place. And all these people roaming all over with their angry faces don’t make the place look any better. Nothing seems to be right. The  40 years old poets trying to impress the cool teenage girls of the boulevard reciting paper back poems, the cool guys of the city throwing around grins that make me sick, the mumbling politicians, the high heeled lies, the junk around the corners, the nasty boulevard itself. It smells like something rotten. A tall woman haunts me trying to make me swallow a pair of medicinal scissors. She’s part of it. Of  the dirty street.

Sometimes I feel like I was made to run astray because it seems I’ll never find the right street.. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got a whole world inside me and this world I’m in is damn wrong. But when I throw myself in the inside there’ll always be somebody or something here to get me out. It’s like I got caught up in between.

I don’t know why I feel like I’ve been trapped in someone else’s cocaine hallucinations. I don’t know why I feel that’s something broken there inside. I think I heard a crack in my head. There may be my self made illusion. The world inside me seems utterly fragile. I still don’t know what’s broken but I think somebody stole my superglue.

Getting out again, on the boulevard of ashtray buildings is never the same. The wind today seems to come from Placebo’s Pure morning and the noise around is a little Nirvana.
I try to get glued to the image of myself wandering around the streets of a city called Amsterdam. The first thing that comes to my mind is the smell of marijuana coming from the coffee shops near the centerfolds. That invasive, rough smell. That crush, that feeling. No I didn’t try. No need more hallucinations. I’m already full.

In the world I arrived, the narrow bridges and houses around the water seemed torn out of a fairy tale. The big windows covered by the light of the sunset had no curtains and you could see those who were living inside. Somebody said that when they move their household, the people of Amsterdam get all the things out of the house on the large windows. That’s because the stairs are too narrow and the houses too tall. That sounded nice to me. Throwing everything away on the window. Throwing away all the past in the dust of the dusk.

Amsterdam in dusk (Photo by me)

There was cold, like spring in Bucharest, even if we were at the beginning of July. A gentle wind was spreading around the rumor of the city. 20 degrees Celsius and a tiny sun, balloons in the water and houseboats. No scum, no angry faces. I was floating like a ghost besides the map. A part of me still lives there. Remember me Amsterdam.

The noise of the dirty street brought me back in a place I’ve seen a thousand times before but never like today. There’s a bag of tricks in the middle of the boulevard and a beautiful lie stays in every corner to get you. No one here will ever give a hand. I'm rolling over the streets like the taxi driver in Scorsese's movie.Nobody will clean the scum off these streets. And neither the rain. We’re living in a world where dark still matters. In a painting called Dark with still life.

I just don’t know where I’m heading. Just walk with an introverted kind of mood digging in my head. Growing older, missing pictures. But the boulevard is long and there’s much time left until midnight. There’s a long way to go without having in mind a certain destination. But there may be nice just walking even there’s so much scum and anger around. Wanna join? Just “wander and ramble the dark moonlight”. Remember me Amsterdam.

Aimlessly rambling down the streets

Is this a mental disease, some sort of disturbing, or just... pure addiction? Put any of my clothes on, run to the door and get out fast. Everyday faster, everyday deeper. It's like some strange kind of paranoia is following my every move. But as soon as I put my old baskets on the dirty pavement it's gone. I'm alive.
I never walk normally. Everytime faster than the others. I can't stand somebody else near me. I'm running wild. Running to get rid of my pure hated old self. The wind is blowing my hair as I'm slipping near the corner of an old building. It's getting colder but I can't stop. I'm addicted. Addicted to walking.
I love empty streets by night. The shadow is my place to hide. I don't hate people, I'm just afraid of them. But most of all I'm afraid of the monster living inside my bones. One horrible face hides beneath my skin. Everybody has it but they're not so aware of the wrath living inside them. I'm scarred. Can I leave this beast behind by running astray? I've never felt so mislplaced. I'm sick of the feeling I've been living all my faded life between the gates of a huge airport. I can realize now. It's not a penitentiary, it's a lost airport. No planes landing or taking off. Just me with my ghosts. There' s no place I can call home. I'm locked inside a cage full of dismay. I feel wretched, on the loose, harrowed but still thrilled. It may be because of pain... I'm a cocktail of feelings and personalities.
I see the monster drifting appart just for several seconds. It's smirking. I'm weak. I can't fight this beast. I can't fight myself. The evil was done so I'll always have my evil part. Just like the others. I can't get out . I'm trying to fix what the hell's going on but the more I'm trying the more the others are running away from me. There are so many more times I endured their stern prejudices and critics. Their deafening world is not what I want. It's gruelling to be torn apart out of their existance, in this huge airport. But I fast simmer down. They want only undemanding benefits. Nobody wants to suffer, nobody wants to know what pain means. That seems jockey to me. I had to fight hard for any glow of light. I had to try hard for any piece of good but I always crawled away from that because I couldn't resist feeling OK. I couldn't resist without pain.
I don't remember the last time I've been really happy. I've always associated happiness with childhood. Only that period of time can gain a genuine happiness unspoiled by worries and dirty things. It may be because of innocence... But what can you do when all this ravenous world is stealing yourself and collapsing your innocence behind the wall? I tried so hard to get it back, my nails were bleeding of so much scratching against the separation wall that was built between myself and the others. I can't say when that happened but I'm sure I built it after they stole the best of me.
Today is dark and windy. I'm running aimlessly down the streets. Today is Dream Theater's "Lifting shadows off a dream once broken". Today is pain.
Montparnasse cemetery. Paris. My spiritual Masters. Burried. This world but neither this world. I want... something else.

"Now the days are dark and the nights are cold
People acting like they lost their souls
Everywhere I go I see another person like me
Trying to make it all feel like home"
Fort Minor

Revision for Minutes To Midnight from Linkin Park

All people said that M2M was such a different album and I agree. It’s totally unusual from all the points of view. But almost all the fans I talked to were criticizing it really bad and they said they’re not LP fans anymore just because of M2M. Some other people said it’s much better, that they liked it more. About me, I can say I was absolutely disappointed when I listened to it for the first time, second time, third time…. But why? Why should we argue these guys so much about this album? Why should we blame them for some things that they are supposed to have done? It’s not fair. I’m starting to analyze M2M in my own point of view and see why to argue and why not.
Throughout the career of a music band many things can occur. When they first appeared on the stage in 1999 with the genial Hybrid Theory E. P. Linkin Park was in a total chaos. Very insecure, they couldn’t trust themselves and that E. P. followed by the extraordinary Hybrid Theory in 2000 is a deep analyze of a person who is simply losing the equilibrium of life, faith, truth and gets into incredible pain, confusing and chaos. Nothing seems to be real; they are totally lost into the dark, they can’t see the things as they are so they are and every contact with the real world causes unbearable pain. So, LP are crawling back into their papercut blown by the wind of forgiveness. It’s all black and has no hope. It’s all hybrid. Hybrid Theory.
We loved it. We also loved “Reanimation” came after. A very “worked” album and filled with classic instrumental adds. And what followed was “Meteora”. The best of them all I consider. Trying to find their forgotten origins, LP are digging into the memory, trying to find out the place where they belong and spread the pain that’s inside. The pain which has to be torn away, guys, let’s go back to reality that’s what they seem to say. They tried to reach another side of the space, something like another sense of salvation. And they did. They reached Meteora. And made us reach it too. They’ve done such a great job then.
These albums above are all unitary. They have an entire story told in 12 songs and if you get united the lyrics of all songs in their succession you can get a new reality and the description of band’s inner world. There’s a very big link between the words of the lyrics and the instrumental part is also unitary.
Minutes to Midnight has a story too. Maybe it has a longer story than the others but I can’ see it too well. It doesn’t seem to be a clear link between the songs. They look like different parts of the same story but there aren’t linkage elements to put them together. They are “In Between” and their words seem to be written in dedication to different events and political reasons throughout a very long time. The story has been lost behind the surface. There are different messages that songs transmit and if you try to unite them, you don’t get big deal. This album can’t be “felt” as much as you can feel Hybrid and Meteora.
On the first hand, it’s not unitary; the lyrics aren’t too deep and expressive. There are commemorative songs, political songs and even love songs. That seems really weird for a band like LP was before to play this kind of songs. On the other hand some songs are very “light” and commercial, the instrumental part is very soft and simple, you don’t need 3 guitars to play something like “Valentine’s day”.
But I say again. Many things can happen. These guys are crossing a changing period in their life. They want something different and feel something different. It’s telling me that they are searching a path to get out of the chaos they were in before and try to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. M2M shows the light, it’s there faraway but nobody can get it. It may be a time of total confusion for LP. They still don’t know what they want and where they need to go to. They look in different directions searching the right way. But they don’t want to look for it like before. They don’t want any of that pain and bleeding which was in Hybrid. The message is not to crawl, just “bleed it out” and “forgive what I’ve done”. But the way is very long. They didn’t get “salvation” with this album. They are broken in pieces somewhere “in between”. This album is totally confusing the lines. They’ve changed is the only thing that seems real, they still don’t know how to manage this changes. Maybe the next album will show us that light. These guys still have something to say. A lot to say. You never get out of the chaos too easy and too soon. But it seems that they’re getting out. So I wish they’d get out.
I’m still a bit disappointed but it doesn’t matter. When you are a real fan, you should accept all that your soul band is playing even if it’s good or bad. For those to criticize the message is “Hold it guys! Listen to it deeper. Can’t you see that LP is trying to fid the way out? Just sit down and listen to…” For those who love M2M just because it’s softer and who declare themselves LP fans without knowing or feeling the other albums the message is “Hold it guys! You are fake. If you don’t feel the others before, you’ll never be a LP fan.” For those about to rock Linkin Park forever “ Hold on guys…. We salute you!”



Alexandra Dolfi 17-12-2007

Dedicated to daddy and some forgotten people around the corner

You kid me again, I'm just your friend for rent
You have found me then, on a wooden shelf
Near the books I've read, bleeding in my threads
Dripping my blood against the wall.
I can hardly say I agree your claims
I sell friendship for cheap, while you're digging my grave
Use me as a friend, you steal my mind and then
Push me on the edge to fall.
You kid me again, I'm just your child for rent
I won't bother you, while you shout my blame
While deceiving me, while I bear my pain
While I'm dying behind the call.
Carry on frustration, forget that I exist
I'm the needle in your vein, I'm the snack in your mist
See the beer draining, see you dare to blow
In the crowded silence, the child crying low.
Never see I have a will, never see I have a pride
Never see I have feelings, you think I don't mind
You're trying to transform me, you call me again
To be your child for rent, to be your friend for rent.
I'm drowning in your arms, like I always do
I have nowhere to go, my fake home is you
The despondent father, the foe in a friend
You're the barren poet of the barren land.
I wander and ramble, curse and amend
Between the fleeing fathers and pretended friends
They are fading me and I rise misplaced
To build the last wall of my prison cell.

Today is fear

Today I am just fear. Fear and pain.All my thoughts went away of my mind and fear is all that remains. That huge fear of nothing. There is me , full of fear, having my own mediocrity in front of me. It's so strange to see the foolish inside me staying right here, and starring at me.. My mediocrity went away and fear replaced it.I say to that foolish to go away and never come back but it doesn't . It looks at me and it enters again in my helpless human being full of pain and fear. It's part of me. But it will go away, I swear. I'll do my best to make all this mediocrity to leave me and never, but never come back. I hate it and I hate myself because of that.
I realize I need much more force and strength than I thought to ease all this foolish inside me. But I have to do it, no matter what. I'll keep myself plugging away... I'll keep myself trying...
Until then, today is fear... my fear

The story of the kid in the midnight- for Linkin Park

Hello, I'm right now , here in my hell
Trying so hard to get rid of my cell
You see, those people they are falling apart
Letting the kid to cry alone in the dark
They don't know they're lost inside their busy minds
Inside the physical problems of the contemporary times
So blind, so far away they never realize
What do the kids say, they always minimize
So let now the clouds shove the sun aside
And let the kid climb up to the other side
The side of no fear, the side of no pain
The side of the numb feelings erased by the rain
The side of no dark, the side of no pride
The side of revolution against the human mind
The science will come, erase all the pain
And let 90 percent of things under some explain
You see, the kid is so alone up there
In the tower of light, of the black hemisphere
I know this is cowardly, another sense of fear
But why should the kid go again in their world
On the planet of bad people, mocking and hurt
Disappointing crashes, poems of nothingness
In the chaos of the mind, of the killing loneliness?
They always turn their back, let the kid alone in the park
While the mind runs ashtray in the chase with the dark
No thanks, I prefer the pain given by knowledge
The pain you never learn in their idiot silly college
The pain of infinity, the pain of loneliness
Inside an equation describing the nothingness
So I will stay up here, in my darkest place
Lighted by the stars, living at fastest pace
Inside the equations, inside my only race
Against my own limits against my own place
Against my state of being so small and misread
Against the paranoia, against all their threads
Which keep me down inside this dark and scary cell
Where the frozen hell becomes overwhelmed.

The last day of my summer holiday

I'm standing alone in a desolate place, near a huge, abandoned and damaged building.I'm just a kid, an abandoned, damaged and lost kid. I'm holding my small teddy bear in my arms and gazing around me. Nobody. Nothing. No voice. It's getting dark and cold. But I don't care. I'm looking in my teddy bear's lifeless eyes. It's name is Frederic. I feel sick, alone and lifeless.What is life, Frederic? Don't you know? Who can tell me? Who can answer me to that question? Somebody said once upon a time that life is happiness and joy. Happiness and joy? I can't believe my ears. No... it's not happiness and joy i'm sure. It's just pain maybe. Huge pain and fear,nothingness like I feel...Do you understand Frederic? What do I live for? What the hell do these people live for? We're all here fighting one another, seeking our dreams, looking for salvation that never comes. For what? We are self distructing ourselves, living without a reason. We'll destroy the planet one day, I'm almost sure. But until then we'll continue to live and fight on the way to death. For what? After a hundred years nobody knows the place... and the names... Everything that we are will be forgotten and they all will live like we wouldn't have existed before. I'm walking around the corner trying to find what on earth am I or who on earth am I. No answer of course. I don't have the slightest idea. I just have to live in this conditions no matter how. I'm reading lots of books, philosophy, solving maths problems, physics and chemistry. Is it worth? I'm doing that trying to find out who am I because philosopher Socrates said long ago that we have to discover ourselves. But I can't. The only thing I know is that I'm mediocre. Very mediocre even if I don't look like. But I'm trying hard to escape of this stupidity... I have Nietzche's book in my backpack but I'm afraid to open it. I'm afraid of something I don't know. It's a huge fear of nothing. I'll enter in that damaged building even if it's dark.It's dead like my memory so I'm not afraid to enter anymore. This town is lost like I am. This town will rise like I'll maybe never rise. I say "maybe". I don't want to dream in vain because I'll get more depressed and I can't cope with more depression. I feel like exploding. I feel also that something is burning inside me. I have to discover something because I exist. I exist so I have to do something. It isn't worth wasting time. Well, I'm a person full of contradictions. If you think you know me, in fact you don't know me because I don't know myself. I'm living on this planet like other 6,000,000,000 people. On this planet which is spinning around the Sun with about 1,600 kms per hour...The Sun is spinning around the centre of the Galaxy which is spinning around other galaxies which are spinning around... I've got dizzy, sorry. I'm really nobody. A nobody full of nothingness. That's me. It is your problem whether you accept me or not. If I won't become a great scientist I don't know what will happen... I can't imagine. I have to discover something if I live anyway. Sometimes I don't care about me but I have to care if I want to become somebody...Come on Frederic, we have to go. The people on the streets have gone away because it's dark. So now I can go home when the town is all empty. It's enough place for my soul now...If the "soul " exist of course.

What am I today?

Today I am the stupid
Today I am the nothing
Today I am the fool
Today I am the mediocre
Today I am the stranger
Today I am the fear
Today I am the painful
Today I am the brainless
Today I am the loser
Today I am the unknown
Today I am my killer
Today I had to fade
Today I had to fall
Today I had to fail
And it's MY blame for all.
Today I'm feeling like having a knife into my flesh
Today I am the tearful
Today I'm the frustrated
Today I am the sad
Today I'm the depressed
Today I am the darkness
Today I am the hell
Today I am the chains
Today I know the less
Today I'm angry and
today I'm back in black
Today I am the paranoid
Today I am the crawler
Today I beg the light
And also beg the darkness
Today I beg your friendship
And also beg my loneliness
Today I beg the face
And also beg the reverse
I'm dying every day in this overwhelming pain, lost in this hell called life killing myself every second and losing my conscience every minute.
"Ma revolt, deci existam.Si suntem singuri". -Albert Camus

Mediocre

"I was born intelligent but the educational system made me stupid"- one of my mottos
I try so hard to kill mediocrity by reading, studying , reading and studying, but no result... I feel stupid , fool...too fool to live...
Today I've been writing 20 pages of English exercises. My hand hurts but I won't stop until I had improved my English... And I've read 100 pages about relativity and I've also read 52 pages about the human tissues and human brain... Still not enough.. I need more, more information, I don't want to me mediocre anymore! If anyone knows, please tell me how can I escape of mediocrity because it's killing me!

Cut myself away

Today I' ve had my hair cut because I' ve been too bored to brush it every morning. I was wasting time and the time is precious [if the time exists , of course]. Now my hair is short and I can stay a lot without brushing it. Now I even forget looking in the mirror at morning... I just hate myself and hate all I am. I hate my stupid brain and the fool person I am. I want to cut myself away from this world, to dissapear in a place where no one knows. The best thing would be to eliminate all the causes which went to my existance on this planet. It's so easy to cut your hair... why can't I cut myself away?

The bug

There is a bug on the wall. A small, black bug. I'm gazing at it thinking about it's vision of the world. Because I'm almost sure that the bug is having an own oppinion and philosophy about it's small life and death. Our world should be so hard and complicate for a small, black bug. Now, it's crossing my room from a corner to another thinking maybe of a better path, the path is so long...
My uncle entered : " Go ahead and kill that bug", he said before to leave. But I couldn't. I gazed at it for a few minutes and then I opened the window to let it fly away. That life of the small bug doesn't have any sense for the most part of people. But it doesn't matter. I'll let it live it's small life. I'll open the window.
That also happens with me. In this world, between these people , I'm like a bug on the wall. They don't like me, they always mock me, talk things against me, try to hurt me, they want to get rid of me, I'm boring to them, I'm annoyant to them... I don't care too much about that. But I have a question:
Will they kill me or they'll open the window to let me fly away and live my life full of nothingness?

Love science

I love science. My idol is Albert Einstein. My aim is becoming a great scientist doctor...I'm trying to understand this world. I wonder about everything and I'm amazed about everything. I've just read a book about relativity and I've studied Lorentz's transformations. I want to understand... and it seems so hard. I want to discover a part of this Universe. Can I do that? I just know I have to study because that is keeping me alive. If I don't study I fall in depression because that questions without answer come again to my mind... I like them and I hate them. Those existential questions which have been hunting me since I was 12 years old. They're killing me and they're keeping me alive. It's strange. My consciousness of studying is living in my body and it's hurting me second after second... I feel like living with my eyes wide closed. I just see books, nothing more. I can't see or hear people... I can't feel and touch things... I just see the words on the page and keep the ideas in my brain. I have that strange feeling of non reality again. I just want to understand the world. That's all...

Brain blown into fractions

Psychically talking, there's just a second between keeping the integrity of your own brain untouched and blowing it into fractions. All the fragments of grey matter in my brain have leaked into a black hole, followed by some cosmic dust, and my forlorn human being is trying to buy some determination from the supermarket in the Andromenda Galaxy. I was just testing the Twin Paradox when I realized that I'm getting into mischief for the sake of please some aliens who are just prying into my business.
Wake up, wake up repentant inside your wasted prison cell and sweep away all these dizzy thoughts. What the hell am I done here? I've created my own duty and my own fragile thinking system but still I have to endure the tought judgements of my stern conscience. I'm arguing my brain reproachful adn I'm stirring to reach the core of my long penitence between the pages of a book. I act rashly, never unkind, rather naive and woebegone trying to reach an etablished purpose and bring my imaginary troubles to an end.
Just shove the black hole sun aside, bring back the grey shadow and watch them flee scarred while the twilight embraces the space around the penitentiary in a cold night. The smoke and mist blow out, this is when the ghost kid is starting the skirmish with the demons of the fragile nightmares, hanging the science on a thread and delaying the redemption just for the pleasure of chasing ,seeking and fighting in the lonely war.
The cripled brain has no arguments for wandering around the walls of damnation. Just take a glance to tthe naked sun, no mercy is shed to the meek and no salvage is given to those who betray the high principles of my hurted human being.I have no compassion.
Science beckons me, I'm searching another land, my anger is reaching the climax and I no longer want to stumble over my sick mind's deceiving ilusions.I had my time to fade dying on the floor and now I'm requesting my time to rise from the shadow and get the best I can from my grief-stricken blown out black hole brain. That will be fine with me as long as I'll be fighting alone in the war against myself. I'm my own worst enemy....

Insomnia

Now I'm laying on the floor of my room and I look at the white ceiling. It will be another night of insomnia and overwhelming pain. When I have insomnia I feel somehow out of the world and I see all the things very strange. My computer looks like a spider, my lamp looks like an octopus, the mouse looks like a bacteria, the window looks like a ghost, my chair looks like a bug, my school bag looks like a dog, the wardrobe looks like a monster , the telephone looks like a racoon, the pencilbox looks like a cat and my brain looks like a black hole! And of course my body has to look like something. I have fever again, I 'm sick and I'm too dizzy to think how do I look like. Maybe I look like a huge bug like Kafka wrote in his story "the metamorphosis" or like K' tee said...This planet is spinning around with about 1,600 kms per hour and we all are spinning with it. That's strange. I would really like to fall down in the space. I would like just to fall down from this planet, to defeat the gravity and all the things which make you die in space and just fall. Fall and never stop. Fall until I'll die. If I were on a spaceship now I could make myself fall in space. Just to feel how is it...Hey look, now I can see the books on my table. It's full of books .No they are not books, they are some huge worms.I have to stop again that feeling of non- reality because I don't want to cut myself again like I said before. I feel now that I 'm broken out of existance and it's a great feeling. It's so silence. I wish I were outside now in the empty town without any people and with all the lights on. That's my favourite kind of town. An empty one. Other nights I just gaze on the window at the empty street, I just see the empty street and sometimes I watch it for 5-6 hours while all the thoughts are overwhelming me. It's a world which I can't define. I'm just a part of a species , of the human species like an ant is a part of the ant species. I'm asking: how do the ants see the world, or how do the cats see the world, that's a stupid question because this things have been studied but also a superior species is maybe wondering now"how do that small homo sapiens see the world?"Hmm, I can't stop my thoughts flow in my head. My brain is a black hole.. well a black hole is something while my brain is nothing. The comparation is not good. My brain may be rather a... mass of gelatine able to think elementary things? Maybe.Eh... I 'll start gazing the empty street, maybe I'll be able to think more intelligent because none of my thoughts have been intelligent since I was born by this moment. The most intelligent thing which I could have made was not to be born like Cioran said "L'inconvenient d'etre ne"... but causality made my fool entity to be born on this planet. Again Cioran said: "The fact that I exist prooves that the world doesn't have any sense". Is he right or not? I wish I knew... maybe someone of you can tell me...

Fallen into darkness

Today I'm fallen into darkness and fear. It was so hard to wake up and go on living in this world with people who I don't understand. I feel completely on the outside, I feel totally offline, I don't feel like being here, on this planet, in this place... I'm out of here.I try to hold on, to get on, to carry on because that's the only thing I can do to survive. That keeps me alive.The huge love for the people who love me and my books keep me on the line, they let me stay alive... I have no hope.That feeling of " hope" doesn't matter for me. I just live without giving up and keep trying...I don't understand the world and I can't understand the world because nobody can really understand it. I just want to understand a small part of our world, a milimetric one. And I need to study many years to understand that small part but I don't care...I feel better only after 7 hours of hard studying. I feel ok only if I push myself to the limits.I feel too tired to think about my nothingness so I can say I feel ok...

I always try. I always fail.

No matter...

Try again.Fail again.

Fail again.

Fail better...

" Cand nu voi mai exista, Dumnezeu o sa spuna: Fac atatea lucruri si toata lumea le intelege, acum nu mai este nimeni care sa nu le inteleaga."

Myself, the Nothing

Last night I had insomnia again. And , like I always do in the nights when I have insomnias, I'd lain myself on the floor and I started to imagine myself from the outside. I imagined myself laying in this room, laying in this flat, this flat which is on the boulevard, which is in the city, which is in the country, which is in Europe, which is on Earth, which is in the Solar System, which is in the Orion side of the Milky Way, which is in the Local Group of Galaxies, which are in the Universe known by us, which is into the Universe which we don't know, which is in... in the infinite Universe...

That makes me feel O.K. somehow because I can see how small am I, how small are we all the people, how small is the Universe which we can see by telescope and which seems to be so huge.. That shows me that we are persons without importance and we are just like all other species on the planet. We think about the animals that they are inferior but what about us compared whith the Universe? We are so inferior...

This thing is in my mind all the time and when somebody makes me feel angry , when they are trying to hurt me with their mockings I can pass over them so easy.. because it has no sense to be angry and say ugly words to them or worse, to revenge. We are too small and all these fightings one another to make ourselves feel bad are just stupid things. I can pass over them , I just don't care about the bad things that come from the outside and from the other people.

All that really hurts me comes from the inside. I try and try to escape of mediocrity and to answer all these questions which are scratching my head... I have to get out of this world and push myself beyond my mediocre limits... Because I just want to understand more, I just want to find out more. I know I'm a nothing but I want to find out why am I a nothing.. I want to discover a small part of this Universe which is overwhelming me all the time...

At 3 o' clock a.m. , after my meditation lying on the floor I started gazing the empty street. How beautiful is the city in the night with empty streets and all the lights on... the streets are so nice without those people who are scarring me...without all those people whom I don't care and who don't care about the world.

I like the night very much, because all is so empty and it's so much silence that I can think about my nothingness without being disturbed by angry voices and critcs.

So, I can't stop gazing the lights burning in the city of dust, pain and fear..

My favourite word

Last night I slept like a koala bear... but I didn't drink boiled wine like my friend said. I've read " Traite de decomposition" by Emil Cioran. It made me think so much and I was feeling the thoughts overwhelming me so much that I decided to sleep.And it worked! But it doesn't work all the time. Mostly, my thoughts overwhelm me so much that I can sleep neither a second all night.But it worked telling my thoughts to go away yesterday, maybe because I was too tired.
But that cursed alarm clock rang again in the morning so I needed almost half an hour to encourage myself to get up and go to school. At school where I see again that invisible wall between me and my classmates. I wish I didn't feel like coming from another planet. I just have no idea what to talk to them. I know nothing about computer games and movies. I know I have to socialize but I feel all the time that I need to stop talking and withdraw back into my world. I look at the pictures of the universe in my geography book and I start being overwhelmed by it's perfection.. This is my world where I go when my classmates are talking their problems and the teachers are boring the class with things I've already read about.Wondering in the front of the universe.. I can spend hours in the front of it's photos thinking about the laws which make it be like we see it..It's so much mistery here..but also so strange...why is the universe like this? I still don't have the answer..
today, our English class asked us which is our favourite English word. My favourite word? It is "mystery". I've always liked this word, and also love the word "strange".These are the words which I use more often and which I like most. And another favourite word of myself is " fear" and " pain". These are my words.. Now I'm asking you: which is your favourite word?

Hello from hell

Hello, it is me, from the hell I live in , from the hell which all these people have created and they have thrown me in here. Of course nobody asked me if I want to live in hell because nobody asked you if you want to live this existance which has been offered to you.
Only books save me from the hell, they stop me thinking about the problems which are scratching my brains, a lot of problems... Now I just wonder at the fact that I'm staying in the front of this computer. Is it a computer? Yes, it is a computer because people call it computer. I can't give to it other name. I have to spell the names of the things which people have invented. So I have to say this is a computer even it looks like an insect...
I'm sick, I have fever, no school tomorrow so I can read what I want even if I have fever. I just like to force my brain to the limits... You know, when you are sick you see the world in other way. Now I have again that feeling of non-reality which is becoming deeper and deeper so I have to write because if I stop writing I'll have again that will to cut my hand to see if I still exist... and it hurts also to cut my hand and to see that I exist in this hell...
Now I'm thinking about the words of a Romanian writer...
"Multe vezi accidental si multe observi cascand gura la aceasta lume din care, vrei- nu vrei, tu insuti faci parte.
Singurul lucru care mi se pare logic este sa ma mir... Si daca nu ma mir de toate cele, sufar si disper de conditia de precaritate in care exist, de tranzietoritatea tuturor lucrurilor care imi sunt cunoscute, de viziunea oscilanta care ma locuieste..." Mai sa fie dar ce mult seamana cu mine...
"Daca totul nu e decat un joc absurd, pe margini de prapastie, atunci tragedia e in floare, nu insa pentru nesimtitori si hilari, ci pentru cei care sunt munciti pana peste puterea lor de rezistenta. Totul parca se acopera in ochii mei cu un lintoliu de intuneric, ca si cum fara firul calauzitor al Ariadnei ne-am pierde si am pieri intr-un labirint!"
Arsavir Acterian- " Jurnal in cautarea lui Dumnezeu"