Myself, the Nothing

Last night I had insomnia again. And , like I always do in the nights when I have insomnias, I'd lain myself on the floor and I started to imagine myself from the outside. I imagined myself laying in this room, laying in this flat, this flat which is on the boulevard, which is in the city, which is in the country, which is in Europe, which is on Earth, which is in the Solar System, which is in the Orion side of the Milky Way, which is in the Local Group of Galaxies, which are in the Universe known by us, which is into the Universe which we don't know, which is in... in the infinite Universe...

That makes me feel O.K. somehow because I can see how small am I, how small are we all the people, how small is the Universe which we can see by telescope and which seems to be so huge.. That shows me that we are persons without importance and we are just like all other species on the planet. We think about the animals that they are inferior but what about us compared whith the Universe? We are so inferior...

This thing is in my mind all the time and when somebody makes me feel angry , when they are trying to hurt me with their mockings I can pass over them so easy.. because it has no sense to be angry and say ugly words to them or worse, to revenge. We are too small and all these fightings one another to make ourselves feel bad are just stupid things. I can pass over them , I just don't care about the bad things that come from the outside and from the other people.

All that really hurts me comes from the inside. I try and try to escape of mediocrity and to answer all these questions which are scratching my head... I have to get out of this world and push myself beyond my mediocre limits... Because I just want to understand more, I just want to find out more. I know I'm a nothing but I want to find out why am I a nothing.. I want to discover a small part of this Universe which is overwhelming me all the time...

At 3 o' clock a.m. , after my meditation lying on the floor I started gazing the empty street. How beautiful is the city in the night with empty streets and all the lights on... the streets are so nice without those people who are scarring me...without all those people whom I don't care and who don't care about the world.

I like the night very much, because all is so empty and it's so much silence that I can think about my nothingness without being disturbed by angry voices and critcs.

So, I can't stop gazing the lights burning in the city of dust, pain and fear..

My favourite word

Last night I slept like a koala bear... but I didn't drink boiled wine like my friend said. I've read " Traite de decomposition" by Emil Cioran. It made me think so much and I was feeling the thoughts overwhelming me so much that I decided to sleep.And it worked! But it doesn't work all the time. Mostly, my thoughts overwhelm me so much that I can sleep neither a second all night.But it worked telling my thoughts to go away yesterday, maybe because I was too tired.
But that cursed alarm clock rang again in the morning so I needed almost half an hour to encourage myself to get up and go to school. At school where I see again that invisible wall between me and my classmates. I wish I didn't feel like coming from another planet. I just have no idea what to talk to them. I know nothing about computer games and movies. I know I have to socialize but I feel all the time that I need to stop talking and withdraw back into my world. I look at the pictures of the universe in my geography book and I start being overwhelmed by it's perfection.. This is my world where I go when my classmates are talking their problems and the teachers are boring the class with things I've already read about.Wondering in the front of the universe.. I can spend hours in the front of it's photos thinking about the laws which make it be like we see it..It's so much mistery here..but also so strange...why is the universe like this? I still don't have the answer..
today, our English class asked us which is our favourite English word. My favourite word? It is "mystery". I've always liked this word, and also love the word "strange".These are the words which I use more often and which I like most. And another favourite word of myself is " fear" and " pain". These are my words.. Now I'm asking you: which is your favourite word?

Hello from hell

Hello, it is me, from the hell I live in , from the hell which all these people have created and they have thrown me in here. Of course nobody asked me if I want to live in hell because nobody asked you if you want to live this existance which has been offered to you.
Only books save me from the hell, they stop me thinking about the problems which are scratching my brains, a lot of problems... Now I just wonder at the fact that I'm staying in the front of this computer. Is it a computer? Yes, it is a computer because people call it computer. I can't give to it other name. I have to spell the names of the things which people have invented. So I have to say this is a computer even it looks like an insect...
I'm sick, I have fever, no school tomorrow so I can read what I want even if I have fever. I just like to force my brain to the limits... You know, when you are sick you see the world in other way. Now I have again that feeling of non-reality which is becoming deeper and deeper so I have to write because if I stop writing I'll have again that will to cut my hand to see if I still exist... and it hurts also to cut my hand and to see that I exist in this hell...
Now I'm thinking about the words of a Romanian writer...
"Multe vezi accidental si multe observi cascand gura la aceasta lume din care, vrei- nu vrei, tu insuti faci parte.
Singurul lucru care mi se pare logic este sa ma mir... Si daca nu ma mir de toate cele, sufar si disper de conditia de precaritate in care exist, de tranzietoritatea tuturor lucrurilor care imi sunt cunoscute, de viziunea oscilanta care ma locuieste..." Mai sa fie dar ce mult seamana cu mine...
"Daca totul nu e decat un joc absurd, pe margini de prapastie, atunci tragedia e in floare, nu insa pentru nesimtitori si hilari, ci pentru cei care sunt munciti pana peste puterea lor de rezistenta. Totul parca se acopera in ochii mei cu un lintoliu de intuneric, ca si cum fara firul calauzitor al Ariadnei ne-am pierde si am pieri intr-un labirint!"
Arsavir Acterian- " Jurnal in cautarea lui Dumnezeu"

Letter from hell

Hello from hell people! I'm here, in my hell, in the hell of fear and mediocrity made by Alex Dolfi. It's so cold over here and pain because it hurts so much being so stupid. The chains of mediocrity have fixed me upon the frozen ground and I can see just darkness coming from the black sky above my head. I'm so tired fighting here, trying to break these heavy iron chains and bleeding to reach all the books and things which I would have to know, study and learn. Where is my power of revolution? This is happening in this hell, you loose the force of fight and defeat, the power of your brain is dead and your conscious is minimal. Mediocrity puts a veil upon your eyes and a mist in your brain, you can see, feel and know nothing , no light at the end of the tunnel . You can just reach your own nothingness. This is the hell of confusion, reality is without any shape, I can't distinguish between fantasy and normality, I can't see and be in that way the others call "normal". I'm a nothing full of stupidity, lost in the hell of mediocrity created by my own mind. Bsut it isn't worth going on like this. It isn't worth trying to continue living in this damned hell and the most idiot thing i can do is to become lost deeper in my own mediocrity. No. It's over. I need another world, another hell of pain and fear but not a hell full or dark, not a hell where to be blind like here. I need a hellwhere it will be possible to see the light at the end of the black tunnel. A hell with a black sky but with some stars shining above. I don't want to get lost in nothingness. I don't want to carry on being the most stupid person on this planet. I must rise from mediocrity to normality. To a state of being which I can call "normal". I don't want to reach the way the other people think it's normal. No. I'll build my own normality, a new state of being made by Alex Dolfi. The war begins, I need much will , enough will to break the chains of mediocrity and start running to normality which is the second step I have to reach. The next level will be intellingence. But there is a very long way to go. I must throw away my stupidity first, and that is the hardest part of this war. Books will be my weapons, my brain and conscious will be my powers. I must find the mind which I've lost for such a long time. I must seek to make the sky above my head less dark. I don't care how hard it will be, I can't live in this foolish anymore. It's time to rise...The most stupid person on the planet, Alex DolfiP.S. The First World War against mediocrity begins, soldiers number is unlimited. If you think you are too mediocre and you want to fight near me and the others who are too stupid, contact us.